living alone again and having minimal reliance on others has created a situation where i feel like i'm at the reigns of the cart driving my happiness. not only do i "feel" it, i won't tolerate it any other way. i haven't let anyone step into that driver's role in a long time and i've closed myself off in a way to where i can't just let good things happen to me; the anxiety over the loss of control and potential vulnerability eclipses those instances. and in vanity's corner, there's the overwhelming need to see how i please people, never stopping to let anyone bring goofy smiles to my face or catch me off guard. that could be embarrassing!! i've also done a bang-up job making a twisted entanglement of all of this. last weekend i felt the knotted up world start to loosen and eventually the stings of thought laid themselves out so simply, so softly, brushing up to one another, acknowledging each other, light enough to get a push from the wind; like a dense but friendly forest in a communal sway. the rush, the happiness is there for me to take it. it's simple. last weekend it went like this:

1. Joe, the most solid monkey-human i know.
2. a booth at the Buttery and some diner pancakes.
3. Bryds on the jukebox.